For the most part of March and beginning of April, I spent it on a long journey to my mother’s province, Rioeng, Laoag City in the Philippines. The day after my mother and I’s arrival at NAIA, we took the Farinas bus with my cousin. It was a blast, having the chance to see more of the place I could have grown up in. It was like a whole new world to me even though I’ve always claimed myself as a proud Filipino. The opportunity to come home at least once a year is something I’ve always taken advantage of, though coming home felt like a big mistake. I could not help, but feel negative about myself. There was nothing I could say about who I was. I was a failure in my eyes. I’m not in school. I don’t work. For the past four months, I’ve been writing and painting my life away, something my parents believed was pointless. Of course, I had my plans. I have my dreams, but they could not understand how difficult it was for me. I feel helpless most of the time. It’s like I’m a broken soul, and rather than try to fix myself, I unconsciously plunge myself deeper in despair.
So, how am I supposed to feel? What am I supposed to do when all the decisions I’ve ever made since graduating high school has been nothing, but wrong turns?
I have, but one answer… and though I’m not always so sure of myself, I know I’m capable of great things. I always think that running to the Philippines would make me feel better, but not this time. This time it gave me reason, it pushed me to a place where I was forced to fight. I haven’t had that feeling in the past two years. Truth be told, it felt amazing.
During the remainder of April, I spent a lot of it finally reading the entire Harry Potter series. It’s a strange thought, but reading the struggles of the teenagers in the book gave me a whole new outlook on life. I never quite understood it before until now. They are not that much different to who I am now. Some of the struggles on the outside look different, but they really are one in the same.
Maybe I’m still afraid of not being able to reach my potential, therefore, I fear stepping forward. Do I dare dwell on the thoughts for further analysis? Even though I’ll answer ‘no’, I will. The more I understand who I am, the more I’ll keep returning to my past realizations. It’s alright as long as I don’t begin to miss the me back then. Doubt is inevitable. Though, I wish to live without it, there’s more things I can do that keep uselessly wishing.
I’m back and ready to keep writing and painting my life away.
& Vela June