Poem 49

Dear Mom,

I’ve been thinking real hard
since the day I turned four
of who I want to be
and the reason for my wants.
I never thought that
I’d have to be an older sister
even before I could understand
the meaning of love.

It never came to mind
that I had to be better,
bolder and tougher than
who I was already.
I guess, I just didn’t know then,
that even with your hard work,
I’d make mistakes
that bury you in tears.

I had no idea that my
childhood years would be lived
with fun and laughter
that burried my insecurities.
That my time in grade school,
junior high and high school
was to prepare me,
for the obstacles of when
I’ve become an adult.

If I had known,
I would have made more
wrong decisions
because as a child,
maybe you could forgive me.
Now I’m too scared
to even look you in the eye,
too ashamed of myself
for turning out
the way that I have.

It didn’t come to mind
that my written plans
could crumble.
That I’d start to slip away
from your ideals
and my fantasy of perfection.

But I hope one day,
you’ll understand
where I’m coming from
when I tell you, I need this,
I need them
to keep me grounded,
to keep me sane
when tears drop like rain,
when days become too hard,
and breathing, impossible.

I really wish you’d see
that your youngest girl
has always found living
to be a hassle,
but when I’m with them
I’m filled with reasons,
reasons to keep fighting
and moving forward
like I always have.

And I’m sorry,
for everything that hurt you,
and all the disappointment
that you had to put up with.
For once in my life,
I’m following my heart.


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