Secretly This Way

*A little irritated that my space key is acting up.*

I got really sick yesterday after eating breakfast and while I was at church. I was pretty much knocked out yesterday and just watching Hallmark Christmas movies and eating soup. Plus, it’s that time of the month again… sorry, male readers- er not sorry. That’s life.

The night before, I had just gone to a vigil. Recently, a friend of mine died of a cause unknown to me. He was a missing man for a while and for the short time, I never thought he would be dead the next time I would see him. I still haven’t seen him and I don’t think I ever will again. That night, I had been a little irritated by food, by people and just because I am me but I was also heartbroken because he was such a great guy. He was almost like an older brother figure. But it all went away after I watched nature at its finest.

If you follow me on twitter, you would know. I watched the meteor shower around 12AM Sunday. It was the most beautiful thing I’d ever seen in my whole life. It got me thinking a lot about the choices I’ve made and the path that I am quite regretful of taking. It got me thinking about my dreams. But mostly it made me think about something I always tell people when I visit museums.

I have never found an artwork that has moved me to tears. That night/ morning, I was close to finding it.

That in turn made me realize something in my life.
I cling to people for fear of change, for fear of losing someone, but truth is, even if I refuse to let them go, they can choose to let me go. And they will slip away whether I like it or not and for the first time in my life, I’m okay with that. I’m okay not having the same people in my life or a lot of people in my life. I’m okay with losing people I used to be confidants with, or losing people I had once would have given my life to.

I am okay with life.
I’m going to have a lot of troubles in life and I will disappoint people because I still am not the person I want to be, the person that cannot only make me happy but others as well. I’m okay with being a disappointment because I’m young and I’m exploring.

So, this goes back to a recent post.
It’s okay to fall.
Someday, maybe not soon, I will be the dream.

Now, it’s just a matter of reminding myself of this everyday.

I will be okay.

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