i need help

Lately, I’ve been trying really hard to get my spirits up and keeping myself from being easily enraged. Due to this, I’ve been speaking less and thinking a lot so instead of being less angry and less depressed, the more I feel at a loss.

To be honest, I just feel like dropping everything, grabbing a coat and jumping off a bridge. And this is why I would never condone the act of ridiculing suicide and depression because I suffer from it, *reference to my latest Saturday Share.* Not to worry, I still have shackles around my ankles keeping me from killing myself, shackles called family.

But the thing is, even though I’m not any closer to killing myself, it doesn’t stop me from killing off my life. I haven’t been feeling all too well for over a month now and I think things just escalated for me. It’s finals this week, but guess what, this person doesn’t care about it one bit. It sucks because I’ve spent so much on it already: time, effort, money, myself… my family yet I could lose it all now just because I can’t find the motivation to do anything.

And the only reason why I’m even writing this is because keeping it to myself makes me angrier and sadder. I just feel like rolling myself into a ball and crying. I’ve said “fuck” so many times just tonight than I’ve ever said it my whole life.

At home, no one understands the struggle. Outside, people just try to comfort you and tell you to be more positive, like it’s that easy to make myself happy. Don’t you think I’ve tried that?

My family is sending my dad to the Philippines because he’s sick. I really didn’t want to go, but I feel like going now, just hoping that a change of scenery would do me some good.

I think, I might be miserable because deep in my heart, I know I’m still in the wrong path, but I have one year left and I really don’t want to waste the thousands of dollars and two years I’ve already invested in this. Plus, I’m 22 years too old to still be mooching off my mother. I just want to pack my bags and travel the world until I’m too broke to do anything else. Just everyday, I feel less and less special, talented and simply adequate and more like a gingerbread amongst other gingerbreads.

So what the fuck am I doing with my life, right?

What do I do?
I’m about to fail most of my classes this quarter but that doesn’t even scare me. It actually makes me feel relieved.

But all of this is making me sad and I have no way of explaining it but in this round about way because that’s how it works, you know, depression. That’s how depression is for me. It’s a cycle of ups and downs and there’s barely an understandable reason for it. Sometimes, even, I feel bipolar because this happens in a cycle.

I need help, but I don’t know where to get it or if I really want it.

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6 thoughts on “i need help

  1. I understand what you are going through. Truly. There are no easy formulas for dealing with depression and other mental health issues, is there and we only make it worse by trying to give it the old one two step approach to advice giving. all I can say is walk through the pain. Embrace it actually. Celebrate your feelings because they indicate that you are alive. You will be in my prayers and please keep me in yours.

    • Oh most definitely. I guess, I was rhetorically asking mostly as I go through it often and I felt cornered. I am feeling better though. Having been able to vent and say what I needed to say helped. It’s pretty difficult to embrace depression, but I understand what you mean. Thank you and I will, I keep all in my prayers. 🙂

    • I just wanted to add after more thought on your comment, it’s an up and down ride as you know and there’s never a way to tell when it’ll happen. And just like you said, there’s no easy way of dealing with it and that it’s best to just “walk through the pain”.

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