The other post was really short because I was using a phone. This time, I have access to a computer and some time to write. The thing that’s so good about blogging is that this is me journaling whenever my brain and emotions start to swell into a Willy Wonka prototype full course meal gum gone wrong. So, here I am again blogging because of the emotions that are piling up on me.
Now, I don’t have a particular problem at the moment that is serving as my depression trigger. I haven’t had one since I started feeling extremely down. Just a lot of feelings piled up on me out of nowhere and I crashed hard on the ground. I haven’t gotten up since. I’ve probably sat down by now. I am not quite sure yet.
Over the past weekend was KCON2015 in Los Angeles. If you attended, I hope you had fun, because I did. It was a good distraction from the everyday pain that I was feeling and it forced me into a mind set to be happy not only because my sister paid for these expensive tickets, my cousin was there for the first time, but also because this was something I once had strong positive feelings for. I didn’t want to taint it by being negative and reclusive even though I needed a lot of me time and not crowd time.
What I’m getting at right now is that life for me is scary at the moment. I have to return to real life that I’ve been running from and it’s a lot harder to fall back into the rhythm of things as opposed to falling out of it. There’s so many people who have no idea what I’m going through and see me almost everyday and it makes me want to apologize so many times. Like, I have to apologize for wanting time for myself because as you all have read before- or if haven’t- I can’t really talk about my self-diagnosed bipolar-ism and manic depression. It’s something that I have to constantly reign in for fear of overstepping on anyone. I mean, my own parents are put off by just the sound of the term “depression”. They don’t believe in the science behind it and almost every time disregards my struggles to normal teenage things when I’m clearly 23, not at all angsty, and quite the goody two shoes in comparison to the youth. I don’t even stay out often, maybe once every three months or break from school (when I’m not feeling like life sucks).
Anyway, I’ve been writing a lot and planning a lot about the things that I want to do. I’m pretty proud of myself for being able to set aside my sadness and the feeling of wanting to be alone, fighting it with sheer control (which you aren’t supposed to do by the way, it can make things worse for the long run). I am trying to save money as I have no job at the moment so that I can regularly attend therapy and possibly get officially diagnosed.
I’m also saving money to DIY trim my hair and dip dye them. Why? I’ve always been a believer of the hair being the extension of our souls. I have often cut my hair for the purpose of renewing myself and I’m twisting that a little bit this time by hair dying also.
Another thing is, it’s almost the end of Summer and then the end of the year to my 24th Birthday. I am looking forward to it because I am finally going to go through piercing my ear- at the cartilage. Woot! First time. The ones at my ear lobe have closed and I actually stupidly DIY repierced them forgetting that my ears are super sensitive to nickel. Gotta get me those medical earrings or something with less nickel in them.
Anyway, about my poems- My chapbook is on hiatus because I just- life. I’m trying to put myself into a schedule, but like I started, I have to get back into the rhythm of living. Yes. This also accounts for my other plans like Youtube or Vlogging and also my Instagram took my turn in emotions the worst.
But my fanfic series isn’t taking a toll on any of this. It relieves me of stress and reminds me of things I love which I love. I even for a moment am able to escape the pit black darkness.
Hopefully, I lose some of the lackluster that’s been feeling my gut. I’ve been reading a lot of articles and really trying to help myself. So, I’m hoping effort will lead other parts of me like determination and creativity to work properly again.