royally f-ed up

This is another one of those rants about my life and the fact that I don’t even care for myself.

I’m in a situation again where I’m stuck between a hard place and a rock. These two immovable aspects in my life have officially announced itself to me in the most subtle/ hidden way possible.

And as much as I am worried about what others may say- others meaning my poor mother- I don’t really give a rats ass about it. On one hand, this feeling of irrelevancy comes from not really caring about my life. On the other, it’s because I don’t really care about this path in my life.

I’ll tackle the first hand.

Currently, I’m feeling like my life isn’t worth much to me. I don’t have a set goal or dream that working towards to which is something I’ve been lacking since forever, real motivation to fulfill a dream.

For the other hand, I feel more like, I made a mistake taking the path that I’m on. And I keep thinking about what I could have done instead even though I know I shouldn’t. I know better than to do that, yet I do it.

The only really sucky thing right now is that I know I have the potential to succeed in whatever I do, but I keep disappointing.

Otherwise, really, I don’t care. No matter how royally f-ed up the situation may be, I feel like my mistakes are my mistakes and that I have the right to make them. And I am willing to take those wrongs, admit to them. But I would rather they be my mistakes alone and that my mom would stop claiming theirs as hers.

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13 thoughts on “royally f-ed up

  1. Yes, if she chooses to own them, then she is living vicariously through you … Procrastination is epidemic in our culture. If you are young, then life has never been goal oriented. Sometime since I graduated HS in the 70s, things changed – a lot – they leveled the playing field, didn’t want to hurt people’s feelings … The opinion of others does not matter, and choosing what to do with your life is as easy as choosing to do what you love – especially though, learn to be independent …

    • I have things that I love and want to do. Sometimes, during days like today, I can’t see them as clearly. I have goals, but today, it doesn’t seem like I do. I have dreams I want to pursue, but today they are non-existent. Today, I am at a low. I guess, what I’m trying to say is, I have chosen, I just don’t think everyone else sees that I’ve chosen. Therefore it feels like I haven’t.

      Independence to me in my family is being able to wear what I want to wear and being able to choose what food I eat. I’m 23, but I’m not allowed a lot of things. And I get that I still live with my parents which has a lot of restrictions. I completely understand and have come to terms with this since a very young age. But school was never my choice. I wanted to take a break after high school. I wanted to get myself some help when I realized my depressive state was getting in the way of my life. I wanted to do a lot of things to help myself, but I couldn’t make those decisions because of the same restrictions that prevented me from staying out late or having coffee with friends. She didn’t believe in what I believed in.

      The biggest problem, I think, for me in finding my own independence is that my mom holds on to me so tightly that it’s almost suffocating. Like you said, she may be living through me vicariously, but at the same time, I feel that even though she sees my mistakes as her own, I’m the only one falling.

      • You must be close to graduation … Even if it is not your choice. Certainly this is a transition point. Not sure if you are aware of this full moons influence, it is not decisive, but a factor non the less. If you are ready to bolt, be sure you have a safety net, at least a cushion to hold you for a time. You certainly can make it on your own. One thing parents do is keep their children needy, consciously or not, it’s wrong. Her over protection isn’t helping you, it is holding you, keeping you in anger and perhaps even fear. Have a plan … Chance favors the prepared mind … Above all things don’t ‘punch out’ . Trust me, you’ll quickly find that to have been a bigger mistake.

      • I want to run. I want to finish.

        I am close to graduating. It’s one of the things I’m afraid of. I feel like I’m putting it off by making mistakes because I’m afraid of what graduating entails. Yet, I also look forward to graduation because I’m fed up of pretending like I love what I’m doing.

        I wish I could run away, but I’m afraid to do that too. I’m afraid to make any decision.

        And I am angry that I’m afraid.

      • Often the best decision to make at a time like this is none. You need more data, you need more input, you need to get out of your head … Often the noise inside creates such an echo it is deafening. When I was at the university, finals time was always enough to make me crazy, I swear one year I had a nervous breakdown. Its designed to be that way, so be aware of it, and take steps to keep yourself afloat when you know the pressure is coming. Find a favorite thing and run away for a time – music art coffee houses bookstores … The crazy world we have built for you will still be there when you return. I have learned after many trials that I can’t change the world, I can only change me, and I can only do that in the ever present now. The past is gone, and cannot be changed, and the future is only a product of what I do today and every present moment. Anger is good – it creates motivation … See if you can get Power vs Force by Dr David Hawkins … you don’t need to read the whole thing just understand the way he calibrates our energy – fear, anger lead to courage, and courage leads to motivation and strength! Anger is a good thing when it leads to action …

      • I live in my head. Getting out will be a difficult task, but I understand what you’re saying. I usually begin my fall when I get lost in my own thoughts. My escape used to be art, but as an art student, art is what I’m trying to escape from. So, I end up writing a lot. When I write a lot, I get lost in my own thoughts which then leads back to the start. Sometimes, music brings me to my lows and that is a long topic. I’m thinking of meditation though. I have yet to give that 100% effort.

        I will definitely check out the book. I’ve actually began looking for books that I could read about possibly helping me. So, thank you for the book recommendation.

      • He is awesome. He was a top psych Dr in NY and left it all when he realized modern medicine was limiting him. He developed kinesiology into an art and came up with calibrations of emotions from 0 to 1000. 0 to 200 is where most of us are. Art is not taught the way it should be. I would think the university teaches definitions and ways to define art. True technique is something only experience gives us. I never read The Agony and the Ecstasy, but I am told Michelangelo used to visit morgues and dissect bodies to better understand anatomy … The Pieta took 3 years for him to carve. I saw it at the Worlds Fair in 65 and even as a kid I was awe struck. Do you draw cartoons. Maybe creating a character like ‘Cathy’ could help – in HS two of my friends created a character called El Mono who wore a fez and was the worlds grossest Monkey … Laughter is amazing at healing minds and bodies !

      • Interesting. I’m more curious now about the book.
        I am a game art major, so a lot of it is 3d art and gaming which is a style, I learned later on, I didn’t really like. I’m more traditional or illustration. I try to create characters that fit my interests, but when the art style works against me, it gets tough. When that occurs, art becomes a chore.

      • http://dharanipitaka.net/2011/2008/teachings/DavidHawkins-PowerVsForce.pdf this is a good overview ..
        Yes, it is amazing how we take art and turn it into work. They say some of the best creative minds of our time have been wasted on advertising . Gaming probably captivated you when you were younger so you decided ( with you mother) to pursue it in college. The same guy I told you about doing El Mono now works in CG on Defiance . He’s done everything from Illustration, to makeup (Dick Tracy movie) , and taught himself CG. There is a lot you can do. I can introduce you if you have ever considered Hollywood. He’s a good guy…

      • Thanks.
        I’m not considering a future in game art actually, but if I really had to, Disney Interactive fit my style most. But thank you anyway. Your friend sounds like instructors I’ve had in the past who’ve been in the business for a long time. I just don’t see myself in that type of working environment. These are things I only recently learned about myself and I wish I had known earlier. Otherwise, I would have looked for something different when I was a couple years younger.

        I’m thinking more of becoming self employed and selling my preferred art.

        I have a lot of plans for myself and sometimes it’s sad to think that game art has little to do with it. Actually, the main reason I try to convince myself to graduate is because I want to study Art Therapy. I realize, I have always been interested in self-growth and learning to understand oneself, also in helping others fight through their demons.

      • Tougher than it sounds. But thank you so much for talking this out with me. I really appreciate it. It’s not everyday I get to talk about it with someone who’s experienced more of life than I have. I usually only have same age friends to talk to about these troubles.

      • You’ve got a lot going, so give yourself credit … That’s why we blog to share our experiences 😉
        PS- Always enjoy your writing, it is clear and from the heart!

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