the artist

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This spiel is not about me.

Bitter and selfish even when it’s all accidental. The artist I’m referring to is my eldest sister.

I’m sure I’ve mentioned her enough times during my other rants, but this post is specific to her. My sister was the artist of the family for a while, growing up. She had the talent, the creativity, and the learning curve that enhanced her skills.

Art wasn’t my dream at the start. I got a lot of my drive from emulating her. At some point, she lost to my mom and lost her motivation to be an artist. She has a bunch of ideas that she’ll begin, but never quite finish. I think, that had a lot to do with lacking support from my parents.

While she was growing up, there was a great deal of stigma against being an artist despite the fact that my uncles were artists (architects/engineers/journalists). Actually, I think it was especially bad to be an artist because of my uncles and my dad. There was just so much creativity, but not enough output… money coming in. And that bothered my mom a lot. She didn’t like the idea of her child becoming a starving artist.

The only reason my even said yes to me was because my sister lost the opportunity to become a fashion designer, and that I was some lost lamb.

I think, my sister dislikes me because I get to pursue art and my mom’s doing all she can to help me out when she refused to bat an eye towards my sister.

I understand it though, but thinking of it now, I think my sister was lucky. She’s doing something she loves- she’s basically a teacher and she gets to keep her love for art, untainted. She does art for herself. I don’t have that. Still, I understand why she may be bitter towards me.

Lately, we’ve been butting heads more often, but that’s also because of our six years age gap. She’s near moving out, which I’m excited for because I finally get to have my own room and bathroom (she’s really messy and it’s getting on my last nerve). She’s also pretty selfish.

She complains about not having food or not having ac, but to me, even though she helps pay, it’s not enough considering how my much more my other sister helps. She doesn’t give as much as she takes, is what I’m trying to say. And maybe all of this is due to the fact that she secretly hates us for stifling her. I would understand it, but again at the same time, I don’t think she has that big of a right. She’s gotten a lot, growing up. She didn’t get what was most important, but everything else she was able to get and she refuses to see it.

Hardships of living without the help of our parents is going to be tough for her, I think. She’s relied on them so much without even knowing it. I just feel like, her anger, bitterness, and selfishness directed toward us could be better spent learning and being able to share. She expects everyone to give and give, when she refuses to do so.  Often times, she’ll refuse what’s given because she thinks it’s us trying to hold her down.

Truthfully, we want her to move on and become more independent. We’re not trying to hold on to her.

I guess, that’s the difference between us. I know where I’ve made my mistakes and where I have to apologize for. I know how much more I have to give back to even remotely match what my parents have given me despite all the troubles and struggles I feel I go through because of them. I know that when I’m venting, it’s not to hurt anyone, it’s to get my feelings out. I don’t expect to be given more. I don’t think she understands that.

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4 thoughts on “the artist

  1. Who was it said “life is art”, if we practice life well then call it what you will … She (or you) need not ‘study’ as much as practice, and always grow. Being in the zone is not just for athletes … Zen / Zone is there any difference?

    • Ah yes, art is life. ^^ Starting to breathe it more often these past few days. I haven’t really been online much, but just to update, I suppose, I’ve recently been doing well. Really, as you said, getting into the zone of making more art (for myself again- something I’m actually going to get to in a new post).

  2. […] I used to attend them more religiously when I was younger. My parents would take my siblings and I almost every year for at least one day. I completed the nine days of Simbang Gabi back when I was in high school, the first time I could remember doing it for myself. I attended it with my eldest sister, ‘The Artist‘. […]

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