a high

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Sometimes depression hides itself as a high.
Ever since I took a break from school and been focused on art by me for the me, who isn’t about pleasing others, I’ve been free of stress and the weight that chained me to the ground. For a while I was inspired by the things around me and I was happy.
It’s always a great feeling.
Until the crash and it’s that dark feeling all over again.
I know my triggers. I have a community to talk to.
I was happy. I was good. I had so much I wanted to do and so inspired. I was organized and I didn’t overwork myself.
I even started growing flowers as to practice being patient and not to always have control. I was going to be okay until the triggers were uttered just the night before. And now, I feel different.
I’m anxious. I can’t sleep. My mind is racing faster than I can comprehend. I also didn’t dream.
Today I opted to not go to church because I didn’t know if going was my choice or because I didn’t want to argue or disappoint my mom. I’m back to being confused about my choices being mine or my mom’s. I should know, right? But I can’t clear my head.
It’s not like I expected depression to disappear from my life completely. I just didn’t think I could lose so much overnight.
I’m spending the day with my sister. Maybe, I’ll be better once I take a break from my triggers.

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