I still remember, 16 years later, how he taught me how to shuffle a deck of cards.
I don’t know how many times I’ve dreamt of him. I didn’t want to keep writing it down because it disturbed me to dream of an old crush. It bothered me because I didn’t know whether I liked him presently or if my unconscious mind was playing tricks with my conscious mind.
Neil was a big regret that I’m not so disappointed about. Seeing him every now and then in reality, relieves my heart. It’s nice. It’s calming knowing that this guy I’ve liked for many years is still somewhat intertwined with my life. He’s not like Damian or Rhett. He’s not Ralph or Billy. He’s no Charles. He’s this guy I’ve admired for a long time, a guy I like to watch over, and a guy who I wouldn’t ever want to disappear in my life.
Not saying anything, I feel that I can keep him in my life by not saying anything.
In the dreams, we’re together. Somewhat. He knows me and I know him. There’s a sense of comfort, familiarity, and belonging. It’s nice. I like it. I like how the dream is. Calm. There’s beauty in stillness… beauty in a dream.
It has to stay that way, a dream. Otherwise, the illusion disappears. The beauty, the stillness, the calm, and the niceness. None of those are guaranteed if I say something. So, living it in a dream is good enough for me.
Seeing him today, I realized how difficult it had been for me to speak to him, smile at him, and to simply acknowledge his existence. Being me, I’d always tried to ignore my feelings for him and resulting in ignoring him. Now that I can put my feelings into perspective, I can look at him and not feel like hiding from view. I’ll stare at him with adoration because I’m proud of the feelings that I had those long 15 years. Maybe I still have those feelings. Either way, the me watching, I hope he’s seeing. I’m proud of who I am now.