Here’s the deal, I’m just not finding the right job or the job just isn’t finding me. Sure, I was very dispirited for a couple months not only from a rejection but also from the realization that in the 24 years I’ve lived, I don’t have much experience.
My life experience goes as far as high school, understanding mental illnesses, writing for fun, ranting and whining, and failing over and over again.
For the rest of the world, that isn’t enough. Not even a bit of it is sufficient because there are younger people with the same experiences. What they have over me doesn’t stop at the age difference. I’ve lived a pretty comfortable life in the walls my parents built well and my sisters fortified.
Every day, I worry about my student loans and the credit card I didn’t want. And each day, I find that I don’t want to be responsible for certain things that I am supposed to be responsible for. I’m constantly afraid of the inevitable failure that is to come for every time I try to run away. I’m afraid of money, of not having enough, borrowing, owing my parents, my sister, and the strangest thing is, I feel fine not having money.
Recently, reality hit again and while I was looking at my bank statements, I couldn’t shake the idea that I really despise having to live my life controlled by the need for money.
So, I was looking for a job, applied to multiple places again and came across a website that offered tutoring opportunities. I’ve yet to research it fully, simply thinking if I should even research more about it, but it is the type of experience I’d like to have. Interaction with children, their parents, and feeling out whether or not I’d really want to pursue a line of education and later a career involving child and human development, and psychology.
I get lost in my own head, in research, and long notes. I’m never sure what I want unless I’m asking someone else about it. I would like to reach a point in my soul searching where I can say or feel, yes this is the right path.
I don’t want to say yes because it offers a steady income. I don’t want to be forced to feel okay because I know it’ll be like taking a step back each day for the months I’ve already spent looking into myself. I don’t want to make a decision that will make me repeat the loss I felt then. I don’t want to go back to looking at myself and wanting to cry. I don’t want that kind of life.