dwelling and never stopping.

chart damian dyer

“I remember loving you
All of the good shit and all the bad shit too
Yeah I remember hating you
For all the right things you never tried to do
I remember needing you
Call me an addict to your elastic moods
I’m packing every memory that we made
In a suitcase” – Suitcase by Matthew Koma

And I do remember loving him from afar. I used to be able to recall the little things that involved him until the love disappeared. As far as either of us is concerned, slowly forgetting is the best thing to happen because, without the memories, there’s nothing to hold on to.

I’m not sure when it stopped being love and became admiration then turned into a simple friendship. I wrote so many letters to him. They’re all stuffed in a black plastic bag ready to be burned. That love was a new feeling for me, one I’d never had before and when he broke me, I didn’t know if I could ever get back to that place. He’d been the first guy I actually liked, was brave enough to say something and the guy I couldn’t help compare to all others. He was just that guy, one of the good ones.

I used to know when and how we met. His smile had always been memorable. All of that was so long ago. I can barely imagine his silhouette let alone that smile.

It feels really nice to let go of old crushes and love that was never meant to be. I feel blessed to have been tried with that obstacle because as I learn to love myself, I learn to stop dwelling on certain pasts and never stopping my growth. This is just a part of my bigger journey.

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2 thoughts on “dwelling and never stopping.

  1. Sweet memories of first loves return to me when reading this. The passion, inflamed being… The wanting, and the ache, and I wonder how I survived the sweet sorrow of letting go. Yet we love, and learn, and grow to be at home within the heart …

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