my heavy heart

Richelle Otomiya Valentine

I live in a white room these days. It is where I store my peace and keep it there. It has four walls and no ceiling so that I can look into it whenever I want. Outside these four walls stand guard my flock of antelopes. They guard me from things I cannot handle.

What are things I can’t handle?

When I was younger, I used to listen to everyone’s problems. I listened to my parents, my siblings, and my friends. I may have even listened to my nanny’s or my aunts and uncles. I have very little clear memory of growing up but I always found myself in a position of ‘listener’. I love listening, don’t get me wrong. I love helping people and being there for them.

Sometime around senior year high school, I started to change… or I noticed myself change.

In the easiest way possible to say, I think I’m an empath. I pick up people’s emotions very quickly. And it’s been difficult trying to figure out if things were my decision or other people and maybe this is why. I can’t seem to separate myself from everyone else.

But I built my four white walls and laid out a plan to fight off invasions.

Recently, a friend got her heart broken. It’s not your regular heartbreak where the guy is such a jerk. No, this relationship was in a good place for a long time and abruptly ended. At first, I couldn’t feel the sadness for my friend. I was able to sit back and listen. As time passed, I think I started to dwell on it. I felt anxious, tired, and indecisive. I felt like I could angry quickly. I knew right away that it didn’t make sense. I was taking my SSRI. I’m usually in a good mood during the day but I’ve been napping more and more.

Napping for me has always meant a loss of energy. I didn’t want to be awake and to deal with life. It’s strange because I don’t feel any negative feelings for my life at the moment. I’m waiting to get my x-rays, waiting to get my wisdom teeth pulled, and to re-apply to jobs if my x-rays are fine. I’m just waiting and I feel okay about that.

So, I just knew. The sadness wasn’t mine.

I’m trying to figure out how to defend myself more from picking up other people’s emotions, being able to separate mine and theirs. *shrugs* Life is… a challenge. I’ll never know what it has in store for me. Lol. Regardless, at least knowing helps me figure some stuff out.

I did get scared that my pills stopped working. I think that’s why I needed to vent. I needed to write out my thoughts and get my bearings together.

I’m glad I did. I feel sooo much better now.


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