what i don’t understand about L.O.V.E.


My whole life, I’ve wondered about the four letter word, love. It’s such a big word. The dictionary glosses over the fact that love is an allusive thing. (Even my grammar checker thinks I’ve used the wrong word.) I am aware of what allusive means and I do believe that’s the word I mean to say. So…

Here’s what I don’t understand about love.

Why do we go out of our ways to fall in love and then get hurt?

Love can be a good thing and it can also be very heartbreaking. My mom was “adopted” by her aunt, my second maternal grandmother. She died around 2009-2010. Two years later, my grandfather followed her, dying from a broken heart. They loved each other a lot. He gave up a rich life to marry her and neither of them regretted their choices. When I met them for the first time, not as a toddler but around the age of 16, I knew immediately that they shared a bond I’d never seen in my life before.

My parents weren’t very good role models especially when it came to love. They regretted marrying each other and sometimes, I see that as regret for having so many children. In their life, they gave up a lot. They gave up a possible path to a comfortable life by being together. And every day, they remind each other just how unlucky they’ve been in their drawing of the lots with each other.

Vhanessa, my sister, was in love with a boy back in the Philippines who was in love with her best friend. She and the boy were close friends too. Actually, you could even say, she was his only true friend but we had to move away. She was his only light and when that light was snuffed out of his reach, he hung himself back in 2004. For a very long time, my sister couldn’t find herself to like anyone else truly. She was stuck in the memory of him. Even though she had a boyfriend after graduating high school, a few years after his death, I could tell that only in the recent years did she finally let him go so that she could love her boyfriend truly.

Kamille, on the other hand, can’t find herself to trust a man. She’s so independent that someone who isn’t like her or better just isn’t fit. That’s mostly why she’s having a difficult time connecting. Even with friends…

Vinne too. He’s had many girlfriends but somehow, he’s always letting them go because of not being ready. Sure, he’s young. We all are, technically but it makes me wonder if our parents very flawed love is affecting us.

Me… I fear it. I fear other people. I fear myself. I’m afraid of loving me, loving someone and then letting that someone love me back. I’m afraid of what love can do to a person. Remember that post I made: This one. Nothing is forever, not even love.

My friend recently got her heart broken… again. That really turned my world upside down. I was so affected by it that I couldn’t tell if my heart had been broken too or was simply relating to her. She’d just gotten her heart broken the year before. So soon…

A couple I knew broke up too after so many years of being together. Doesn’t it feel like wasted years?

Vhanessa keeps wondering if she should be with her boyfriend.

My father wants to live in the Philippines, in his province. My mother wants nothing to do there. Somehow, everyone in my life, more that what I’ve mentioned, are showing me how fleeting love can be. I can’t trust what I see, hear, and my own thoughts about the matter. Movies make it so easy. Movies make it so difficult. They make it complicated. Other times, not. I’m so confused about how I feel about love.

A childhood friend’s parents used to look in love until I heard about their marital problems from my mom. When my uncle died, my aunt became even more bitter than she already was. When my aunt found out her husband was cheating on her because of what I had seen, she became a divorcee and most likely going to stay alone. Her dog of so many years even died on her. Another set of aunt and uncle have two sons but are they happy? My aunt, who never gave birth and adopted, is she happy with her smoker and gambler of a husband? What about my aunt and uncle who have many kids but none of them are where they want to be in life, are they happy? Are they okay with love/s they’ve chosen? What about my cousin who had an arranged marriage? What about the cousin who was impregnated and left to care for the baby… Why do we do the things that we do for love?

So I ask God… How do I love when all I see are hearts breaking?


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