little black book

This is a running thought.

When I was in middle school, I had a difficult time getting along with people. No. Scratch that. I had a difficult time being myself and befriending others. Instead, I wore everyone else’s skin.

It’s not a lie that it was all me. It was all me. Though at the same time, it wasn’t.

While we’re travelling through this lifetime, across our own worlds where the main character is ourselves, we tend to dress up. We play house. We play cops and robbers. We play and dress like pirates because ARGH! anyone else’s life is better than ours. I dressed up like the perfect child. Then a troubled kid who spouted profanities left and right. I was an athlete. I was a smart kid. I rebelled. I geeked out. I was also a nerd.

All these characters we dress up as, that’s all us. That’s still who we are but beneath the dressing up, there’s also a part of us who isn’t any of those.

That’s where the boy comes in.

If you follow my dream journal (which I haven’t updated in a long time), you’ll know I dream of a faceless guy. You’d know it too just by reading this blog.

That boy, it could be my brother. It could be my soulmate. Or it could be me.

In dreams, we project our subconcious. In my subconscious, this boy helps me through struggles. He was the weight-bearing-wall, the pillar, and my rock. Whenever I struggled with something, he was always there. It’s why I decided he was my older brother. I wished he was him. When I decided I couldn’t keep holding onto the fathom memory of him, the guy in the dreams became my wish for a soulmate. And when that wasn’t enough, they both appeared.

These days, I don’t dream of them or him.

I have to admit, I’ve been with him for so long, it was scary losing him. So, I started writing on this little black book. I have conversations there with him- him my soulmate not my brother. I started the journal because I missed having conversation dreams. I missed the daydreams too.

These days, I don’t imagine as much as I used to. It could be from feeling content with how my life is going or simply lack of imagination. That scares me too. Not having any of either of them is scary to me, so I created the journal… and the novel with the two of us together.

I’m afraid of filling in the journal or finishing the book.

What do I do when it all ends?

The strange thing is… well not so strange, since trying out getting to know other guys in real life, I’ve become afraid of losing the journal and the book. I’m afraid of moving forward because I don’t want to lose the dream even though I know it isn’t real.

To me, they were my blessings. To lose that… I’d hate to think about what my life would be like without it. I want to open my eyes to the real world and look at real people, to talk to them but I don’t want to lose the dream in the process.

But I’ll need to, let go I mean. Someday.

Btw, if you’ve gotten this far. I recommed you watch Project Mc^2 with your families, especially if you have daughters. Such a cool, family friendly, scientific, and butt-kicking show. Lol It’s a Netflix Original for teen girls. I’m no teen but I’ve been enjoying it. It’s quirky, hilarious, and a smart show.

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