Poem 94

this kind heart

i was built angry

and filled with cruelty.

there was innocence

and sweetness to my every being.

there were four strong walls

and a useful door

that anyone could knock on.

there was no entry fee.

one picked the lock.

another stole the knob entirely.

there were hinges there before

and once the door collapsed,

the four walls became useless.

this kind heart

had to be shielded.

I recently had a run-in with a creepy and crazy guy. The sad part is, he wasn’t even a complete stranger though still a stranger or someone I had met in the times that I was on dating apps. No, this guy came crashing from my past- childhood past mind you- and totally defiled the kindness I extended.

I’ve been in this situation more times than I’d like to count. I’m so tired of being nice to people and them returning it with malice and complete disrespect. Why do I attract people like that?

When I say crazy, I’m talking full on stalker creepy. To be in a place like that more than once? Seriously? Can’t a person- not just a girl- get a break? Why must I be in a situation like that, again!

When I was in first grade, a boy pulled my shorts down. I beat the crap out of him. In second grade, this boy thought it would be fun to make me his enemy my entire elementary career. I had just moved to a new country that year too. In middle school, this boy had a crush on me and insisted that I liked him too. Wouldn’t stop even after I said no. I had to have my best friend back me up. In high school, there was a boy who liked me and would not stop pestering me. (Granted that middle school boy and high school boy have grown to be fine guys.) And in college, this guy I knew in high school started to talk bad about me just because I didn’t like him and blaming me for the fact that he liked me. Does that make sense?

Just because a person is kind, it doesn’t mean they like you. It just means they’re nice.

Shit. Some people can really suck.

And just recently, that crazy guy from my childhood introduces himself. I was happy to reconnect with a part of my past. It was fine and I really wished he wasn’t gonna be like those people. Today he sent a message making me the bad guy just because he couldn’t understand the fact that not everyone is glued to their electronics.

I have a life, a really a good one where I can sit in front of work (arts and crafts) and not be controlled by the internet. Or sit with my siblings at night to watch Netflix shows because during the day we’re all too busy with our own projects. It’s the only time we’re able to be in one place. I barely get to talk to my friends. So, why would I prioritize a stranger over my family and friends? What gives him the right to tell me that I’m not a good person because I’m not responding to him?

I can’t even believe I’m this upset.

And he even had the audacity to call himself or allude to himself as an angelic person when he doesn’t know the first thing about patience and understanding.

Fudge. Ugh. Why are some people so incredibly irritating!

I was a nice person to him until that moment. Something about that really got to me.

An angel isn’t like that. I’d like to believe that they’re better than that.

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3 thoughts on “Poem 94

  1. I no longer differentiate between sociopath and psychopaths, they are all the later, and they deserve none of our attention other than our ire, and our being on the lookout for them (won’t call them snakes, because snakes are far better creatures). Warning – they use your own conscience against you, its a hard thing to get used to and even hard thing to accept an put into practice. There is a lot being written lately about them, a quick search on the internet will get you some lists of tools to protect yourself. Its hard to get them out of you mind, and that’s what they want, but knowing whats going on is a great first step and will help you feel better. I can send some links if need be.

    • I definitely felt like my own conscience was pitted against me at the time. What I didn’t think of was that they’re psychopaths/sociopaths. If that’s true about my recent encounter, then that’s unfortunate. He’s a father and husband (which is a big part to why I decided it was okay to talk to him in the first place). I just thought, well a guy like that couldn’t be bad, right? Wrong. I’ll definitely do some researching as it’ll give new light to all my experiences.

      • Researchers say they make up as much as 6% of the population. They can be very charming and manipulative and can mimic what people are looking for – In other words they know what answers to give, so they are very good a deceiving those who should try to uncover their secret. In the book Columbine David Cullen describes the traits that Eric Harris had as such. Charming, yet very dangerous. Not all psychopaths are serial killers as we are lead to believe, many just manipulate their way through life using other people to get what they want or need. Sharpen your instincts and you’ll be safer … ;-/

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