every day is an illusion

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I’ve always had this thought that Christmas was about family and friends. It’s about giving and not expecting anything in return. It’s about, as corny as this may sound, love.

I just got to thinking, what sort of love do I still have today?

I’ve been living in a very closed world of me, myself, and I and a bit of my family. I’ve tried to incorporate friendship as best I could. Yet, to be honest, I haven’t felt very close to my friends. The friendship I have with my siblings, it’s on rocky bridges. Sometimes, it’s the best thing to have and other times, it sucks me into the darkness I had to pull myself out of last year—and still am. You’d think, well, that’s what other friendships are there for. They’re friends you’ve chosen.

I don’t know. Obviously, nothing will ever compare to the dynamics between my siblings and mine. I don’t expect it to be as complex and as rewarding. I did think it would be close to it. Maybe they think it is. I don’t know how they truly feel about it.

For me, it’s exhausting. It’s exhausting trying to compromise with them or just being my normal opinionated self. It’s about fearing I won’t be accepted and also hating exposing a part of me I don’t want to expose. It’s tiring trying to open up, then that same door being closed again only for me to start over. It’s seriously a lot like rereading the same book a million times and still not understanding even a tiny bit of the book. I’m the book. I think.

Or it’s friendship.

I’m not entirely sure.

This annual Christmas thing that I have with friends, it’s frustrating because they tell you it’s something they want, but I don’t see the effort. I know I have a lot of time in my hands in comparison to them, that’s not the point. You have time to watch your favorite show? A few seconds to give input isn’t too much to ask.

My dad says, friendships is like growing a plant. It takes time, patience, and a lot of care.

Who’s the plant? Is it the other person? Me? Friendship itself?

If I’m the only one who gives the time to water the plant, brings it outside for some sun, and waits… am I not also the only one giving a lot of care? I’m not allowed to forget about it. I’ll have to bring it inside. Then the cycle begins again. Even when I try to remind them, it’s like I’m talking to myself which is usually the case. I’m talking to myself in all relationships I have. Am I my only family and friend? Do I not count?

So, what’s Christmas this year? It’s just an illusion. It’s just me pretending I’m celebrating when really, I’m just trying to get through it.

Here’s to a merry Christmas.

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5 thoughts on “every day is an illusion

  1. Friendships are perhaps the best relationships, but rarely take work. A good friend can sit in silence with you for hours, and show up the next day happy to see you. Though rare, friends like that always find each other. I count them on one hand in all my three score years. Be patient, be friendly, and one day you’ll realize how that best friend just walked into your life. Just have fun, that’s the best place to begin. Merry Christmas and Happy New Year!

    • Not really 100% sure if what I said had been understood. I have friends who can run to me and know, I’ll sit there with them in silence or not. They know, I’ll open my schedule as best I can for them but I rarely feel I am of equal importance for them. I’ve experienced more than I wish to, needing a friend and by the time a friend feels they can give me even a moment, I’ve already spilled my heart out on a blog and ready to move on with my life. I just feel that if they have time to watch their favorite show that lasts an hour, maybe they have the time to check their messages during commercials or something. Answer me while they ‘re in the bathroom contemplating life. Even just before they lay to sleep, that time it takes for them to scroll through Facebook, maybe I can have that time. Just 2 minutes. And maybe they can truly listen and care.

      • A wise man once said “An abundance of information causes a poverty of attention” Perhaps you are from another time, when our eyes focused on things other than screens… In that sense you are blessed, and cursed at the same time … 😉

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