my heart is open


Movie Night #8

What’s with the holiday, snowy picture, right? Well, the movie I watched is a Christmas movie called The Spirit of Christmas. It came out on Netflix and I couldn’t help myself. Not only am I sucker for Christmas, I’m a sucker for said theme movies and Netflix.

How about the title, June? Well, it’s just as it says. I’ve done the online dating. I’m pretty sure I’ve said that before. Another thing, another development in my life is that my aunt recently had a cardiac arrest. Her life rolled like a film when she was in the hospital. She realized how short life can be. This is the woman who’s spent her life being adventurous. If she thought life was short then what was I doing with my life?

My childhood friend’s going through a gruesome ordeal in his life. I kind of thought, my aunt who went through a divorce because of a cheating husband was the first and last I’d ever be involved with cheaters. That is so not the case. I had this idea that somehow his life defied human nature. Goodness was I proved wrong.

My sister says it’s better to have loved than to have never loved at all.

She’s been there, more than once. So, I know she isn’t just saying it to be polite to my aunt who’s worried she’ll live a single life forever, granted that her biggest worry is not having lived more fully. She’s saying it because she wants more too, my sister.

I want it too.

Regardless of my parents’ indecipherable relationship—the fact that they don’t look, act, or whatever else like a couple or married even, I really want to experience love. Break my heart or not. This unconditional love where you share a part of yourself, you invest in someone other than yourself, family, or even friends, and in turn, they share and invest in you too, I want that.

I want it. That’s so strange to say.

In the movie, The Spirit of Christmas, the leading lady doesn’t know what love is. That’s me. She learns what love is and what she’s capable of with it. I want that. I want to be able to be in a position where I can say, I have loved.

I may have had crushes. I may have had my heart torn by those crushes but somehow, I’m learning more and more how different that is from actually being in a relationship.

Is that wrong?

A very close friend of mine wondered, how could I stay so calm, not get angry, when someone mentions cheating especially when it involves people I care for. I didn’t really know why I was calm about it. I used to be very angry about it. I would get so fired up it’s like I’ve been the one cheated on. By extension, sure, but my anger and pain didn’t do much for the grieving. It only got them angrier and drowning in pain. What they needed was someone who could absorb their anger and pain, not the other way around. I wanted them to know, they could rise from the ashes of the love that failed and love again because love is forgiving. Forgiving isn’t just for the guilty, it’s for the other party mostly. Even though I didn’t know it, I wanted them to forgive themselves and move on.

Love comes and goes. We just breathe it in and out like air. It’ll always be there. Wanting that air for myself, it’s not selfish and it’s not wrong. It’s part of life.

So, as part of life and living, sometimes people will cheat and others don’t have to. Somehow, someway, we all get what we deserve. The universe has a way of making things happen whether you believe in the Power, God, or another deity. Life happens.

I know I didn’t say much about the movie but I think you’d get the gist of it. Love will happen because it’s life. It’ll find a way and if it has to, it’ll come in a form of a ghost. 😉


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