it’s not Christmas

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Everything changes… at some point in our lives. There are changes that break our hearts.

I think, that year is this year and it makes want to cry.

I know I’ve made a post about something similar—calling my life an illusion but maybe it was me denying that things are changing… or have already. The wheels were set in motion and everything is moving in all directions. Everyone. I just didn’t want to be moving by myself in a different path. I wanted things, maybe not everything, to remain as they are. There is great comfort in predictability. That predictability lets be me spontaneous or at least have the option to be adventurous. Coming home to normal was comforting.

When normal disappears, what can I come home to?

Some months ago, I set up this notion of letting go of old loves, past crushes. I was pretty successful as I went through different relationships from those I liked to those who liked me. I let them go, the feelings of confusion, heartbreak, and love. One by one I was released from feelings that held me down.

That’s why my heart feels so much more open.

There’s a name, a person, that plagues me still and I’m not really sure how to let that one go.

Today, this morning, I realized that as things change there would be a time I’d have to let him go. Just the same as I’d have to let go of normalcy. I didn’t even know he was a part of the normal I was used to coming home to. It’s made realize that feelings couldn’t be hidden behind other feelings, reasons, and excuses. I can’t keep running. Aside from being tired, I also just don’t want to pretend like things will stay the same.

It doesn’t feel like Christmas at home. We’re going through today like a chore, a must do rather than a beloved tradition. Christmas Eve is supposed to be filled with music and laughter, no matter how ridiculous the origin of the laughing is. Instead, we say things that make it sound as if we’re being forced to celebrate family. It’s a cold winter—for a tropical girl like me but it hasn’t made Christmas anymore Christmas…

I’ve come to admit today that while things are changing, I’ve felt more and more anxious of tomorrow.

It’s lonely…

Tomorrow feels lonely.

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3 thoughts on “it’s not Christmas

  1. If tomorrow feels lonely, or if tomorrow feels happy, then it will be… It is a difficult state of being to remain present, yet I know you are, just sometimes forgetting it is the only place you can truly be …

    • I had some difficulty registering that but I think I understand what you’re saying.

      If I do understand correctly… then, if that were really the case, I need some work on being in the present without feeling like I am and just keep moving forward regardless of how powerless I may feel.

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