slow and steady

tumblr_of69skejpr1r2rgtao1_500“Life’s not as simple as a race to a finish line.”

It’s not about being the tortoise or the hare or whatever else animal you’d like to compare yourself too. You can be a cheetah for all I care and I a robin. It doesn’t change that I still believe there’s more to life than just the finish line… the finish line that is what, exactly?

Wouldn’t it be death.

I didn’t get to say this before but I’ve had a professional talk to me in the past month. My session is nearing an end on the 9th of this month, so I wanted to talk about some of the things I’d come to confess to her.

They’re pretty much everything I’ve said here in my blog, maybe even less.

A person has a lifetime to talk about, a month is hardly enough time. Personally, I didn’t even know why I sought her out. I was in a really bad place after coming home. It brought me into a very dark and familiar place of hatred, anger, and self-harm.

When I’m upset, I overindulge in sweet things. It’s what kept me from picking up a razor. Or I overslept if nothing else worked. All these things on top of not being able to face myself or the inability to get up in the morning, I thought I’d cast away back at the end of summer of 2016. When it came back, I got scared… So scared I went running in a stranger’s arms.

And I cried.

I don’t go to see her physically. We talk online but that’s pretty much how it was. I kept crying to her because I didn’t know who else would listen to this girl’s darkness. I was afraid of tainting others and being sucked into the suffocating vortex.

I didn’t understand at the time.

I just need someone to tell me “it’s okay“.

“When something doesn’t fit me and I say it doesn’t, it’d be nice if someone just told me, it’s okay that it doesn’t. I don’t want to keep trying on something too small or too big. I don’t want to say thank you for the hand-me-downs even though they’re a bit worn out and not my size. I want to say, no thanks. I have my own. I just need someone to say it’s okay that I don’t like horror films or action-packed books. …Someone to say it’s okay just being me and going at my own pace. I don’t need to catch up to the hare. Life’s not as simple as a race to a finish line.”

 

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Mushishi Season 2 (not my art)

 

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