i thought a lot about my life

I thought a lot about my life and where it’s going. I’m wondering if I’m putting energy in the right places- work wise. Some posts ago, I combined my love for art and writing and fell in love with the process/outcome.

After random conversations with my brother last month and after ranting to my friends (rant below), I’ve really noticed how much I want to put together my writing and art in the same space.

I’m just going to run an idea/thought… maybe rant a little?

After being asked “why”, I’ve been thinking about why I separated my art, my person life, and my writing from each other. Why? Uhmm, well because for a long time I didn’t know what to do with the different aspects of “me”. And when I started my art and writing, there was this big gap between the cutesy and the depressed. LOL. So, instinctively and after some research, I decided it would be best to separate them all. Thinking of it now, there really isn’t a clear line between them anymore. I’ve come to a point in my life where sharing about my depression, what I’ve come to learn, and what I’m still learning coincide greatly with my day to day and therefore translates itself to how I function when it comes to my art… if that makes sense.

When I continuously think about it, the more I wish to put them all together in some way. I’ve already somewhat started it by including little bits of “me” to my posts on my artist IG and also starting to include my writing self into my artist YouTube. And I really just think that I would be happier being to able to share everything (but not EVERYTHING… if you get what I mean..)- cause I love art and I love writing but I don’t love one over the other. I enjoy them both and they in turn inspire each other in me. I love telling stories and I love creating images for stories… so, they feel like the right fit BUT whenever I research if it’s a good move, I’m always faced with facts that tell me, cutesy and happy don’t go well with anxiety and depression. And those are really the biggest differences/hurdle I have between my art and my writing- the message.

Sighhhh. It would be nice to have them under one name or umbrella but not sure if I can really do that? I don’t know. I mean, there’s still a lot of chances for me to put them together because I’m not well known but I don’t know if it’s a good move in the long run. Like, what if I only feel that way now. What if I’m just being swayed by my brother- which happens a lot because he’s well-spoken. He could be a politician if he tried.

So yeah. That’s all. I have a lot of minor/first world problems. Lol.

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how to grow up

I don’t have a saying or a wise introduction. Nothing dramatic. Just, here’s how to grow up.

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In my family, growing up was always different from maturing. Maturing was becoming an adult at an age of a teen (my sisters). It was about not pointing at what we want at the age of eight (my brother). It was about keeping to ourselves, wishing only to have what we want- a chocolate bar. It was about having good manners and being expected to be at our best behavior at age four (me). It was about never having a true childhood while growing up was searching for our independence. It was about making our own decisions for our lives. It was about doing laundry on our own time and pace. It was about whether we can keep our computers plugged in or not. It was about when can we finally set our own curfew. It was about being able to control our diet.

And today is the day I learned the difference between the two. I finally understood completely why at this moment in time, my siblings are in the same situation I was in when I first started my journey. We’re all looking to live our lives in different directions and it can’t be together all the time.

So, we grow up.

I believe, for the bigger part of this conversation, it’ll be my parents who grow up the most with a lot of maturing along the way. It’ll be about reacting like an adult. It’s about not placing their expectations and needs over their child’s expectations and needs for themselves. It’s about being understanding to the wishes we’ve long wished for- a chocolate bar. LOL. It’ll be about having good manners and being at their best behavior. And maturing? It’ll be about being able to let go of all the control they ever had on us.

They’ve done it before… somewhat with the eldest. What’s one more for the second eldest? And then later for me? And when my brother’s ready, him too.

Growing up is accepting that not all things will remain the same while maturing is knowing that change will happen.

walking, running, stopping, and walking again

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Everyone has moments when they just want to retreat from anyone and everyone who make them feel less than they should be.

I get a lot of those days and I deal with it. I think I’ve gotten better at it through these few years. I’m not perfect at it but I can say that I do better than most now. I wasn’t always able to get mad, calm down, and return admitting I made some mistakes.

In the household I grew up in, pride was often the thing we lived by and prejudices were ingrained in our bones. For a very long time, far longer than I would like to admit, I lived thinking I was better than most and I could do no wrong. Obviously, when the facade crumbled, I crumbled with it. I’ve already talked about this many times and different ways.

So, let’s start after Ginger passed away. Continue reading

ginger the thief

Sounds like a pretty good story… except it’s not. It’s the hashtag I use to document a family pet’s habit of stealing my seat or distracting me from working.

Her name was Ginger and she passed away this afternoon. Practically in my arms. She was an adorable mixed breed of Pomeranian and Chihuahua. She was adorable. Didn’t bark too often but she suffered from an enlarged heart and fluids in her lungs.

My mom adopted her back in 2011 from a woman who was scheduled to fly back to her birth country to retire and be surrounded by her family. She couldn’t take Ginger, so she put out a contest, a writing contest for anyone. Whoever could prove to be the best parent and home, she would give Ginger to them. My mom won.

We welcomed her into our home quickly and almost flawlessly. Ever since then she’s been right there.

We used to watch all sorts of tv shows together from Pretty Little Liars to Hercule Poroit to The Secret of Kells to the very last show we saw together today, Trollhunters Season 2 because we watched the first together last year. She enjoyed the occasional vlog on Youtube. We listened to French cafe songs with the occasional rap songs. We loved the classics and instrumentals. I think she was fond of Johann Pachelbel but I couldn’t find my collection. We took naps, far more than we should’ve.

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She always understood that I needed cuddling during that time of the month. And I cuddled with her as many times for however long I could. This little girl was very close to my heart.

When I lost my first pet- my own very first pet PJ- I was sad. Losing Ginger is devastating. I only had PJ for half a year. I’ve been with Ginger for almost a decade. It was getting there.

I never imagined last Christmas would be our last Christmas with her.

c2ecf946bdaf8490d4d315127131b22ccb60c4a4_hq You never really know when someone’s last Christmas will be or when any of their lasts will be… Today was the last time I’d be sitting on the couch with her, watching tv. Today would be the last time she enters my room, bothers me, prevents me from working, and just cuddles with me. Today was the last day she’d hear my voice.

I’m extremely sad but I’m really glad I put everything down to be with her at just the right moment. I’m will never regret not finishing work because she wanted to be with someone today. I’m relieved to know that she didn’t die alone.

making art and reading poetry

So, I tried something new today. Sort of.

I read my poetry out loud… and I recorded it.

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Hear me out first before I show you the video. I’ve been dying to mesh together my love for art and writing on one platform for forever. I mean, I self-advertise here on my blog all the time but it never felt right. When I made the video, I immediately thought, “wow, this is super cool”. Granted that I am totally in love with my work and with myself these days. Lol.

Least to say, I was pleasantly surprised.

I picked some old poems to fit the artwork. I hope you guys enjoy it. I’m thinking I may do it again and maybe even read Listening to Georgiana and other stories I have. I really like reading aloud. Hehehe.

 

(I think this video is rather fitting for this year… My aunt’s getting married this coming Wednesday. My sister’s getting married June. This commission was for a friend’s mom, reminding her of the wonderful years she had with her late husband. It’s Spring. I mean, I’m all about love.)